The following is an excerpt from the highly acclaimed and many times controversial, "Jennifer: The Best thing that every happened to me" by Jon 'vislor' Goranson, Volume 13, Chapter 15, Now What?:

It was early fall when I returned to Ames once again for more schooling. I had just a great summer! I had spent a lot of time with Jennifer, or more time than I thought possible for me, anyway. Reality, though, and school came back to haunt me.

This time I was living with only Ethan and Ted. The five of us who had been living together were tired of the place that we had been living, since it was very poorly managed, and the only way to get new places was to split up. So, I found myself with Ted and Ethan, which was fine with me. All of us got along and I didn't foresee any problems.

Except . . .

Jennifer wasn't here. That was not the best way to start out the semester, knowing that she wouldn't be around this year. At all. As she had told me, she took a job in St. Paul and was living up there now. She had moved in a month ago or so, and was now starting her life up there. Closer to her boyfriend, so I assumed that it was getting serious. We had talked about that several times when she was down her in Ames. She and I both had the same ideas on marriage. We felt that you get married once and that is it. It is only once, and you just make it work, no matter what happens. At least, when I was talking, she seemed to agree with me when I said that.

She had talked about going to be with her boyfriend many times. I was actually surprised when she didn't go to live with him. He was living in Canada at the time, though, and I think that caused some complications. I never really understood why she didn't go. All I knew, or hoped rather, was that this was a good sign for me.

As I have said many times before, I didn't know any other woman that I could ask out. I didn't really know anyone here, because I didn't really do much through ISU. I am not a social butterfly, so I couldn't really meet anyone. Jennifer didn't even have email, so I didn't do that very much anymore either. I just sat at the apartment and pined, really.

Then I got her first letter. Wow! What a boost! She was thinking of me! Or she was at least taking the time to write me a letter. I felt this meant that, at the very least, she must value our friendship a little at least. Of course, there was a slight problem.

I don't write letters. I have never been able to. Probably because I don't have the best handwriting and it takes me so long to do so. If I don't write a letter to someone in the first few days of getting a letter from them, they won't get a letter for months. Or whenever I get around to writing them back. I didn't get back very quickly. Obviously, not from a lack of wanting to. More from me thinking that I should get over her, and move on. I knew it wasn't good to just sit there and think of her and I felt that I should do something about it.

Instead, I got busy with school and other activities. We played DND on Saturdays now, nearly the whole day and I had to prepare for that. We had been trying new things with the campaign and I wanted to see how they would work. Also, I had school. My classes at this point weren't overly tough, but I had to make sure I kept up the good grades. So, I studied, read (I was into Clancy now, as well) and played DND.

The months went by and I felt guilty. I should at least write her, even if it is a small letter. We had a very weird relationship at this point, from my perspective. I had talked to her a lot about stuff, mostly how to meet woman. Whenever we had gone out (still don't call anything we did a date) I had usually ended up babbling about myself. I don't think I ever said anything too revealing but it was always about me and it was all true. I didn't know how to talk about things at this point. What did I say? Should I hint at anything? She didn't mention her boyfriend, but maybe that was just courtesy to me.

So, I did write her. It was not very long, just telling basic stuff about what was going on. "The semester is going well. Family is good. Things are fine." Nothing too big.

Now, for me, time seemed irrelevant the last year of my college. Weeks would pass, and I would never really notice. Which is why her quick response caught me off guard. I had sent her letter out with the mail on a Monday. By Thursday, I had a response. Not only did I have a response, it answered many questions I had asked in my letter! Wow! What was this? In less than one week, she had received my letter and written me a response! This was confusing. Granted, she said she was bored, which didn't help, but to me a hand written letter means a lot. But there was more.

She was coming back? What was this? I read and reread that part of the letter several times. That's what the letter said. She had been trying to find a different job and hadn't had any luck. She had apparently also applied to Graduate school at ISU. She was accepted and was going to be moving back! Next semester!

*Shit!*

To say that I had been over her, would not be accurate. Perhaps it was more accurate to say that I had come to terms with our relationship and that it was to be friendship only. I had tried not to dwell (Can you tell how well that worked?) on any . . . possibilities.

Suddenly, all of that changed. She was coming back into my life, for the next semester anyway, since I was going to graduate. I didn't think of that much, though, just that she was coming back. The problem was that now I started all over again. Way back to square one with all of what I was thinking about us. Did this mean something? What should I do?

At least I had the Christmas break to think about what it all meant.

The break didn't help at all. I spent Christmas with my family, but decided to go down to UNI for New Year's, and see a good friend of mine, Chris Evans, and his fiancé Carrie. Then I was going to go back to Ames until school started. I didn't feel like working for dad at all this break, and the guys were going to be in Ames. I figured this would give us some good DND time.

I got to Cedar Falls, Waterloo actually, to find out that Chris was working, and would be until nearly nine that night. Carrie invited me to spend the day with her, since the festivities wouldn't begin until later. Carrie, and her friends Rochelle and Becky, were going to make dinner for some of us. Since I was the only one with nothing to do, I hung out with the three of them all day. Didn't really help me that much.

Becky and Rochelle were wonderful! I really liked them and for some reason, kept hoping that one of them would notice me, or say something. I was still way to shy, I barely spoke that day!, and wanted one of them to make the first move.

Didn't happen, of course, and I felt like an idiot. What was I thinking? They probably already had boyfriends anyway. We had a good time and supper was good as well. By the time we had finished eating and cleaning up (we were at Rochelle's parents' house and had to), it was nearly nine o'clock. We went to were Chris was living for the party.

It was in full swing by the time we got there. I didn't know many of the people there but that was okay. There were several drinking games going on but I had decided not to drink that night. I had a cold and was almost over it. I knew that I wouldn't get much sleep that night and drinking would only make me sick for that much longer. So, I just watched as everyone else used the holiday as an excuse to drink.

It was a fun time. I talked with Rochelle and Becky, or as much as I could. Since they weren't drinking either, all of us and Carrie ended up being the baby-sitters for all of the people who had indulged themselves. It was well past four before all of us were asleep, where ever we could find space.

I left for Ames the next day, more confused than ever. It wasn't enough time to think it all out. It couldn't be. I can't say I was in love with Jennifer, for I am not sure I knew what love was. But, I knew I liked her and wanted to get to know her better.

I got back to Ames and it was then that it hit me. I didn't know Jennifer's number! I had no idea how to contact Jennifer! If she didn't call me, I would never see her! That really hit me hard. I wasn't sure what to do. There was very little I could do, anyway.

The weeks passed and school was about to start. I hadn't heard from her, and was wondering if she was back. I was hoping she was back! If not . . . well, I tried not to think about it. The Saturday before school started she called.

Wow! I was relieved! We talked about this and that and exchanged addresses and numbers. She lived only two blocks away! That was great! And yet, I panicked! She went on to say that she had heard about a concert tonight. Would I be interested in going?

"What is it?"

"A group called The Baltimore Consort. They play Medieval style songs."

"Sure! Sounds great! What time?"

"It starts at eight, but we should be there before seven thirty. How are you going to get there?"

"Drive. I have the car with me this semester. Don't know why, but the parents are letting me have it. I won't complain though! Do you have a car?"

"No. Can I get a ride from you?"

"Of course! Not a problem. I will be there about seven fifteen, okay?"

"See you then!"

I hung up and leaped for joy! She had called! She was here, in Ames! She wanted to do something with me and tonight! The first time she called me and she wanted to do something!

Of course, this is where I panicked. (I was getting good at it by this time, though, so it wasn't too bad.) I wasn't sure what to wear. As I have said, I never thought too much about what I wore. It sounded like this was similar to the community theater, though, so I wanted to look a little better. As good as it gets for me, anyway.

I got ready and then . . . waited. It was only two in the afternoon! I was a little excited about this and nervous but at least I didn't have to think about what I would have to wear tonight. I think I drove Ethan and Ted nuts, watching TV all dressed up, and going on and on and on about the evening. I think they were more happy than I when it was time for me to leave.

She didn't live very far and soon I was walking up the stairs to her apartment. I knocked and Jennifer's roommate, Shannon, answered the door. I knew she had a roommate, but I didn't know anything about her.

"Is Jennifer here?"

"Yes, she is just getting ready. I will tell her you are here." Shannon walked away and I thought she was a bit confused but wasn't too sure.

"Hi." I turned from looking at the books to see Jennifer standing there in her robe. Yoiks! "Just give me a few more minutes to get ready, okay?"

"Nope. You have to go like that." What are you saying?

"What?!" Jennifer said, a bit confused but smiling, since I was.

"Just kidding, of course. I will wait."

"Won't be a sec." She smiled again, and left the room. I had forgotten how lovely that smile was! I was also relieved that she knew I was kidding. I am not sure why I said that!

She was done soon, and we had to get going. On the way there, we were both chatting a lot. It had been nearly six months since we had seen each other and we were filling each in with all of the details. Before I knew it, we were at the place where the concert was being held.

We went inside and gawked a bit at the place. Neither of us had been at this stage before, so we looked a little like tourists at first. Eventually we sat down and the concert started.

It was wonderful! I loved the music! And, of course, the company! It lasted for a couple of hours and it was just great. Afterwards, when it was over and we were leaving, we looked at the CDs and each bought a couple. They were so good!

We walked outside to find that it had snowed, and it was several inches! I said I would get the car, but she just came with me as we trudged through the snow to my car. It was cold, but I thought that suggesting she sit closer to me until the car warmed up might be out of line. As we went back to our apartments, we talked about the concert and how wonderful we both thought it was. I was having so much fun.

I didn't want it to end. It was only Saturday, and it didn't matter how late I was up tonight. I all but invited myself in to her place, to talk and have some hot chocolate. She graciously agreed and so we went back to her place.

We talked for hours that night. We had a lot of catching up to do. I never asked about her boyfriend, once again I didn't know if they were still dating or not, and she never brought it up, either. We sat around until quite late and talked. Eventually, the evening had to end (*sigh*) and I went back to my apartment. Before I left, though, she had offered to cook for me sometime, and I definitely took her up on that! We didn't set a date for it, but just said that it would be sometime, which was fine with me. I had already planned on a few 'unexpected' drop by's since she lived so close. I just hoped they would work!

I don't know if I can adequately describe how I was feeling after that. It really energized me. Perhaps throw a little confusion in there as well. I just loved that Jennifer was back. I could talk to her and see her and do things with her. It was so wonderful!

Reality, classes and winter set in again, though, so it was a while before we could really do anything again. I called her every once in a while to see how she was. One time when we were talking, she brought up dinner again.

"I got this new recipe book and found a recipe that I would like to try. Are you up to being a guinea pig?"

"Sure. What are you cooking?"

"It is a Mexican dish, enchiladas, that is supposed to be low fat and good for you". Uuugh. But, I figured I should try it. "What do you think?"

"Sounds good to me!" Of course, she could have said it was anything and it still would have been great!

"When?" I asked, hoping it would be soon.

"Well, what about tomorrow? Would that work?"

"Yeah, that will work. I will see you then."

"I will probably cook for my roommate as well. Does that bother you?"

"No. I will get to meet her finally. Rather than her answering the door and then disappearing."

"Yeah, she does that. She pretty much keeps to herself and isn't here that often. I think it works out well!"

"Well, I will see you tomorrow."

"Okay."

I hung up and of course, panicked.

What was I thinking? What should I wear? Do I bring something? I am not sure. Doh! I spent the next day thinking about what to bring and what I could do. I finally decided to buy some wine and bring that over. I really worried about that though, for many reasons. I didn't know if she drank and it was obvious she didn't like it when I did and then called her. I figured this was safe, though, and if she didn't like it, I would not have any and then share it with the roomies. Hopefully I wouldn't be depressed if I did.

The day didn't go very fast and yet went too fast at the same time. Finally, it was time for me to go over to Jennifer's. She live about two blocks away, and spring was firmly upon us, so I just walked over.

*ding dong*

I was still nervous. Not sure why. My palms were sweaty, though, and I really hoped I didn't come off as a pig. I mean, I know we had gone out to eat before, but I always watched myself then. Today, though, I was not only hungry, I was nervous. I hope that I could hold it down.

The door opened and there she was.

*sigh*

"Come on in! I was about to put it in the oven."

"Okay. Thanks. I brought some wine and hope you like it but if not I can probably get a different kind." What?

"Oh, Zinfandel, I like that. Good thinking!" She smiled at me, took the bottle of wine and started walking towards the kitchen. Whew.

We ate with Shannon, her roommate, and talked for hours afterwards. It was good to be with her. So good. Once again, it just felt right to talk to her and be with her.

My roommates both wanted to kill me when I got home. I think a little of it was envy, though . . .

As good as everything was, there was one small thing I was forgetting in all of this.

Every once in a while, I would go for a walk at this time. School was *not* stressful but it was nice to get some exercise. I was even riding my bike every once in a while. Usually, I would walk past Jennifer's to see if her light was on, and maybe "unexpectedly" drop in and see if she wanted to talk. It had worked several times already and so I thought I would try again.

I was walking over there when I realized that we had just started Spring Break. Didn't really mean much to me, as I wasn't going anywhere for it. In fact, I was probably going to get together with some friends that were in school. I didn't realize that Jennifer might also have plans until I saw the RX7 sitting out front of the apartment.

Oh yeah, she is still dating someone.

It felt like I had been hit in the stomach. I got really shaky and nervous and I suddenly felt stupid, doubly multiplied by the fact that now I was standing in the middle of the road (no sidewalks to walk on) staring at her boyfriend's car. (I knew because of the Canada plates.)

Shit.

Now what? I couldn't just stand there but what if someone, like Jennifer, saw me? I couldn't just be standing there. Dammit! I finally kept walking past, trying not to look up at the apartment too much. I didn't want to see them together. Probably childish, but in many ways, I was a child to this sort of thing.

I walked on past and took a really long walk. I mean REALLY long. Probably several miles. I was really cold as I had on only a light spring jacket and it got pretty cold at night. I didn't feel it. I was already numb on the inside and nothing seemed to matter at this point.

I went home and moped.

The next couple of weeks were hell. Usually were after her boyfriend visited. She didn't call me, or even write to me, and I didn't feel like I could, like I should, call her. So, we didn't see each other or really do anything for a long time.

Well, the weeks dragged into a month, and suddenly it was my graduation. I was really not ready for this. Not at all. I didn't have a job and wasn't sure what I was going to do at all.

Jennifer and I had been talking for a week or so, just long enough for me to invite her to graduation and tell her I wasn't sure what I was going to do.

"Do you want to work at the bookstore?" she asked me one time.

"Sure! What do I have to do?"

"Let me talk to my manager. I know they need the help, so it shouldn't be any problem getting you a job."

"Great, thanks."

Graduation day came and my family all came over or down to Ames. It was good to see them all, as it had been a while since I had seen my parents. I was disappointed that Jennifer didn't come over but thought it was just as well because otherwise she would have had to meet my whole family, and I don't think she was ready for that. Heck, I don't think I was ready for that!

Soon, the party was over and everyone left except for my parents. They had met Jennifer several times over the summer and wondered if she wanted to go out to eat with us to celebrate. I figured it couldn't hurt to ask.

"Hello?"

"Are you ready?" I asked her, as she answered the phone.

"Ready for what?"

"My parents are still here and we were wondering if you wanted to go to dinner to celebrate my graduation. Didn't I ask you about this earlier?"

"Well, yes, but we never finalized, I thought. Wait, you and your parents are waiting for me?"

"Yeah, so we are hoping to go soon, because we are all hungry."

"Well . . . <long pause> . . . I don't know. I guess so."

"Great, we will be over in a couple of minutes."

"You're going to have to give me more time than that to get ready! How about a half hour?"

"Okay."

I told my parents that she said yes but we would have to wait a little while. It wasn't a problem because they liked Jennifer and wanted to see her again. Eventually we went over and picked her up. We went to eat at a 50s style bar called Ruttles. I felt like a pig again, eating a big meal and desert. Jennifer hardly ate at all. My parents kept saying she should eat something.

All of us finished eating and we dropped Jennifer off back at her place. My parents dropped me off and mine and then reality struck me.

Ethan and I had both graduated at the same time and so both knew we would d have to look for a job. I wasn't looking forward to it as I really hadn't started. The only lead I had was the bookstore job.

I sent out resumes but not very many. I didn't know if they were any good or not but a class I had the professor seemed to think so, so I sent them out. I got the customary flush letters. I heard that a Software Etc. was opening up in the Ames mall and they needed some full time people. I figured I would be qualified for that and so I applied.

What a joke.

I am glad I didn't get into the retail business. They were going to start me at about 13k per year. I really didn't know how I could live on that little. Maybe I just didn't have a good idea of money and budgets but it seemed ridiculous.

What I did was even worse.

I was not good at managing money. I pretty much worked for Dad and payed bills as I went. The money I had saved up didn't last long. I spent June in Ames, pretty miserably, for two reasons. One, I didn't have a job. I had sent out many resumes and called some people, but nothing seemed to happen.

Two, the boyfriend had come back for a visit, and so I didn't get to talk to Jennifer at all, even though we could have spent whole days together! That was really depressing.

I was watching TV one night, a Saturday, and I was brooding. My money was pretty much gone, rent was due and I couldn't do anything. It was horrible. I made the only decision I could. I packed everything up that night, must have been past eleven when I started, and moved back home to my parents. I felt like an idiot doing this but I didn't know what else to do. I had no money, no job and really couldn't live in Ames any longer.

I felt really bad for Ethan, who wasn't awake at this time. He just woke up the next day to find out that I had left. Ted knew, though, and I told him I would send what I owed on the rent as soon as I could.

My parents welcomed me back, of course. Monday I was working for dad to pay the bills. I had a lot. My parents had decided to charge me rent, which I agreed with for several reasons, and I needed rent for the Ames apartment. I think I worked for two weeks on Mom and Dad's charity.

It felt so damn biblical.